How to Utilize the Collusion Diagram
Updated: Sep 4
If you keep having the same fight with the same person, and you both walk away feeling like the other one started it, you're probably not dealing with a personality problem. You're dealing with a pattern. The Arbinger Approach calls this pattern a collusion, and it built a specific tool to break it: the collusion diagram.
To utilize the collusion diagram, write down what the other person does that bothers you, how you see them, how you react, how they likely see you in return, and who you've pulled in as allies. Each answer shows your part in keeping the conflict alive.
Below is a step-by-step walkthrough of the tool, why it matters in recovery, and how it fits into the Arbinger Outward Mindset program at Chateau.
On this page:
What Is the Collusion Diagram?
How to Utilize the Collusion Diagram: 5 Steps
Why the Collusion Diagram Matters in Recovery
A Real Example: Using the Diagram With a Difficult Relationship
How Chateau Approaches Conflict Resolution
When to Seek Professional Help
Frequently Asked Questions
What Is the Collusion Diagram?
A collusion is a cycle of blame where two people unknowingly work together to keep a conflict going. Neither one set out to cause it. Both are convinced the other person is the problem. That certainty is exactly what keeps the cycle running.
The collusion diagram is the worksheet the Arbinger Institute built to make that pattern visible. Instead of asking "who's right," it asks a harder question: how am I inviting the very behavior I'm complaining about? You map out what the other person does, how you see them because of it, how you respond, and how your response probably looks from their side.
This connects directly to what Chateau's inward vs. outward mindset content covers elsewhere. When you're "in the box," you see the other person as an obstacle instead of a person. The collusion diagram is the tool for stepping back out, and it pairs closely with humanizing others through the Arbinger Institute approach, which covers the mindset shift behind the diagram in more depth.
How to Utilize the Collusion Diagram: 5 Steps
Here's how to fill it out. Grab a piece of paper, pick one person you're stuck in conflict with, and work through each step honestly. This only works if you're willing to look at your own part.
Step 1: Name what bothers you. Write down exactly what this person does that frustrates or hurts you. Be specific. Not "they're difficult," but the actual behavior: they interrupt you, they cancel plans, they bring up your past mistakes.
Step 2: Describe how you see them. Given what they do, how do you see this person? Most people find words like "selfish," "controlling," or "untrustworthy" here. Write down the label you've attached to them, even if it feels uncomfortable to see it on paper.
Step 3: Note how you respond. Once you see them that way, what do you actually do or feel? Do you withdraw? Snap back? Talk about them to other people? This step matters because your response is rarely neutral. It's shaped by the label from Step 2.
Step 4: Consider how they see you. This is the step people skip. If they were filling out their own diagram about you, what would they write in their Step 1 and Step 2? What do you do that they'd list as frustrating, and how might they be labeling you in return?
Step 5: Check who you've recruited. Who have you told your side of the story to? A friend, a family member, a therapist? Recruiting allies feels like getting support. Often it's really about building a case that you're right and they're wrong, which locks the conflict in place instead of resolving it.
Once all five boxes are filled in, ask yourself one question: does everything in Steps 1 through 5 produce more of the behavior you're complaining about, or less? If the honest answer is "more," you're in a collusion. And you have more power to change it than the other person does, because you can only change your own boxes.
Why the Collusion Diagram Matters in Recovery
Unresolved conflict doesn't stay contained. It follows people into treatment, into family visits, and into the relationships they're trying to rebuild. A SAMHSA advisory on family counseling notes that negative family dynamics, including ongoing interpersonal conflict, are linked to a higher risk of relapse, while supportive relationships are linked to better outcomes. Peer-reviewed research backs this up: one study on family function and relapse tendency found that family conflict can push people toward substance use as a way to relieve stress, creating a cycle that feeds itself.
That's the same cycle the collusion diagram is built to interrupt. It's also why Chateau ties this work back to the blame game in addiction and recovery. Blame feels protective in the moment. Long term, it keeps both people stuck.
The diagram doesn't ask you to excuse someone else's behavior or take blame that isn't yours. It asks a narrower, more useful question: what is my behavior actually producing? That's a question you can act on, even when the other person never changes.
A Real Example: Using the Diagram With a Difficult Relationship
Picture someone in early recovery whose sibling keeps bringing up a relapse from three years ago.
Step 1: the sibling brings up the past, seemingly to score points.
Step 2: this person now sees the sibling as unforgiving and cruel.
Step 3: they respond by shutting down or avoiding family gatherings altogether.
Step 4 is where it gets uncomfortable. If the sibling filled out their own diagram, they might write that this person gets defensive at the first mention of the past, changes the subject, and avoids accountability.
Step 5: both siblings have told other family members "their side," and now the whole family is quietly taking positions.
Neither person is lying about what they see. That's what makes collusion so hard to spot from the inside. The diagram doesn't settle who's right. It shows both people the mechanism that's keeping them stuck, which is usually the first real opening for a different conversation.
How Chateau Approaches Conflict Resolution
Chateau Health & Wellness built the Arbinger Outward Mindset program into clinical programming because conflict, resentment, and blame show up constantly in early recovery, both inside a client's head and in their closest relationships. Clients use tools like the collusion diagram in group sessions and one-on-one work with a 1:4 clinician-to-client ratio, inside a 56-bed residential setting in Utah's Wasatch Mountains.
This work runs alongside trauma-first residential treatment for clients carrying PTSD or complex trauma, since unresolved trauma often drives the justifications the diagram is designed to surface. It's also part of residential addiction treatment for adults 26 and older working through 30, 60, or 90-day programs, where rebuilding damaged relationships is as much a part of recovery as detox itself.
The goal isn't to hand someone a worksheet and call it done. It's to build a habit of catching yourself mid-collusion, in real time, long after treatment ends.
When to Seek Professional Help
Self-guided tools like the collusion diagram work well for everyday friction: a tense conversation with a coworker, a recurring disagreement with a partner. They're not a substitute for treatment when conflict is tangled up with active substance use, unprocessed trauma, or a mental health condition that's affecting daily functioning. If blame and resentment feel constant rather than occasional, or if a relationship keeps circling the same fight no matter what either person tries, it's worth talking to a licensed clinician who can address what's underneath the pattern.
At Chateau Health & Wellness, we provide residential addiction treatment in Utah in a private, boutique setting in Utah's Wasatch Mountains.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the collusion diagram?
The collusion diagram is an Arbinger Institute worksheet that maps out a repeating conflict between two people. It walks through what the other person does, how you see them, how you respond, how they likely see you, and who you've recruited to your side of the story.
How do you use the collusion diagram step by step?
Pick one person and one recurring conflict. Write down what they do that bothers you, how that makes you see them, how you react, how they'd likely describe you in return, and who you've told your side to. Then check whether your pattern produces more conflict or less.
What is a "collusion" in the Arbinger Approach?
A collusion is a cycle where two people unknowingly reinforce each other's worst behavior while each feels completely justified. Neither person intends to cause it, but each one's reaction confirms the other's negative view, which keeps the pattern locked in place.
Can the collusion diagram help with family conflict during recovery?
Yes. Family conflict is one of the most common places the diagram gets used in recovery, since blame and resentment between family members can resurface old wounds and add stress during an already difficult time. It gives both sides language for a pattern instead of a blame match.
Does filling out the collusion diagram guarantee the conflict will resolve?
No single worksheet fixes a relationship on its own. The diagram shows you your part in the pattern and what to change on your end, but resolution still depends on honesty, follow-through, and often support from a therapist or treatment team.
Chateau Health & Wellness provides residential addiction treatment in Utah in a private, boutique setting in Utah's Wasatch Mountains. Call (801) 877-1272 or start the admissions process to learn how the Arbinger Approach fits into a full course of care.
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About The Author
Ben Pearson, LCSW - Clinical Director
With 19 years of experience, Ben Pearson specializes in adolescent and family therapy, de-escalation, and high-risk interventions. As a former Clinical Director of an intensive outpatient program, he played a key role in clinical interventions and group therapy. With 15+ years in wilderness treatment and over a decade as a clinician, Ben has helped countless individuals and families navigate mental health and recovery challenges.
