Fearful-Avoidant vs Dismissive-Avoidant
- Chateau Recovery
- Mar 17, 2022
- 7 min read
Updated: Aug 29
It’s common to feel confused about the difficulties you and your partner face in your relationship, especially when communication seems to fall flat. These challenges might be rooted in your attachment styles, which are formed by early childhood experiences with your caregivers. Understanding the differences between these styles can provide clarity and help you navigate your intimate relationships more effectively.
What's the main difference between fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles?
The core difference lies in how individuals view themselves and others in relationships. Those with a dismissive-avoidant style tend to have a high self-view and a low view of others, believing they don't need intimate relationships. In contrast, those with a fearful-avoidant style have low self-esteem but still crave closeness, often struggling with a deep-seated fear of rejection.
Curious to know more? We’ll explore the distinct characteristics, origins, and relationship patterns of both fearful-avoidant and dismissive-avoidant attachment styles, providing practical steps to help you improve your relationship dynamics.
History of Attachment Theory
Psychologist John Bowlby introduced attachment theory in 1969 to explain the bonds infants develop with their caregivers. He suggested that caregivers who are responsive and available will instill a sense of security in their babies that enables the child to go out and confidently explore the world. In the 1970s, Bowlby's colleague Mary Ainsworth expanded on his ideas by identifying three specific attachment patterns in infants, which accounted for both secure and insecure attachment styles.
Fearful Avoidant vs Dismissive Avoidant: Understanding Attachment Styles In Relationships
If you are not sure why you and your partner do not feel compatible, or you wonder why it is so hard to communicate, there is a chance that you both have different attachment styles.
If you do not have a secure attachment style, your actions and reactions can negatively affect and even sabotage your relationship if both parties do not come to an understanding.
Learning your attachment style and the differences can help you understand your own patterns and become a better communicator.
How You Make Connections
Your childhood experiences can affect the types of connections you form in adulthood and how you interact in intimate relationships. How you deal with intimacy, ask for support, and communicate your needs can be influenced by your early experiences with caregivers growing up. These different ways of relating with others are called “attachment styles."
Common Attachment Styles
Secure
Anxious-preoccupied
Dismissive-avoidant
Fearful-avoidant
It is important to know what your particular attachment style is, because then you can be aware of your attachment patterns and needs in your relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Styles
Both dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment styles fall under the same category, but they do have their differences. In understanding fearful avoidant vs dismissive avoidant dynamics, it's important to recognize that if you have an avoidant attachment style, you typically struggle with commitment and intimacy, but for very different reasons. You might tend to avoid being emotionally intimate by pointing out negative things about your partners as a way to protect yourself from harm.
You could point out the negative traits to justify the distance, but eventually find yourself mourning the loss of that connection in one way or another. Having an avoidant attachment style, could entail that you had a history of childhood trauma, or lack of stable and healthy intimacy from your caregivers growing up.
Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Definition
Alternatively, if you have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style, you might operate on the mentality that you do not need or do not desire intimate relationships. You might value independence and doing things by yourself.
It is possible that you have strict boundaries and come across as emotionally distant. This can present itself within romantic relationships as well as friendships. You might find it hard to make close connections and open up to others.
Common Causes of Dismissive-Avoidance
There are many reasons why we react the way that our childhoods shapes who we become. For most people, their answer lies within how they were raised as children; an anxious attachment can develop from cues given off by your parents when you were young which made it hard for you to rely on them in times where comfort and affection was needed most.
As a result, this attachment style was learned in order to live independently due to survival. You might also have had more responsibilities than normal for your age and needed to grow up fast.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment Definition
This type of attachment style is sometimes described as a “hot and cold” attachment. This is mostly because you might be very reactive based on how your inside emotions react with either real or perceived rejection, acceptance, or neutrality. With the fearful-avoidant attachment style, you might come across as people-pleasers or caregivers in interpersonal relationships.
If you had this dynamic growing up in your family, you might have worked as the caregiver. Perhaps affection and care were given based on what you gave first. Love and affection could have been withheld or were dependent on if you did the right thing first.
You might find that you behave outwardly affectionate at first, but if you feel rejected or that the relationship is one-sided, you might grow cold in response. This could be due to the reminder of your childhood and may re-open old wounds.
How Fearful Avoidant Attachment Affects Relationships
Fearful Avoidance can have a negative impact on the quality and stability in relationships. This person may choose to distance themselves from you rather than committing fully - which often leads their partner feeling as if they're not loved or appreciated enough by them.
People with the fearful-avoidant attachment style tend not to enter into committed relationships. They are often seeking connection and closeness while simultaneously trying avoid actually getting into an exclusive long term bond, so they may commonly find themselves in various types of casual sexual or "situationship" partnerships where there's no label.
Avoidance Style Similarities and Differences
Although both attachment styles are “avoidant” when it comes to connections, at their core, they are very different. What is similar about them tends to be their origin. Both entail having had parents who also acted hot and cold growing up, or just cold. They also involve experiencing emotional or physical abuse and a lack of support.
Where these types differ is how relationships and other people are viewed. A person who is dismissive-avoidant has a higher view of themselves, and a lower view of others. A person with fearful-avoidant attachment tends to have lower self-esteem, but still craves attachment. The issue is that they do not feel they are worthy of a healthy attachment and respond negatively to any rejection.
While the dismissive-avoidant might seem like they do not care, they really do, deep down. However, they are quick to shut down a relationship or connection that triggers their need to keep themselves protected. This causes them to shut down completely and push others away.
How To Improve Your Relationship Attachments
Mindfulness helps you become more in tune with your emotions and what they mean. It also gives a sense of peace, which makes this practice invaluable for building self-awareness.
Be Honest With Others
Communication is the key to a close relationship. If you want your partner's love and affection, it'll be necessary for both parties involved in order make an emotional bond with each other through telling their respective wants/needs as well sharing solutions they have found that work best when combating these issues.
Learn To Affirm Yourself
When you have a fearful-avoidant personality, the core of your being is suffering from relationship insecurity. You believe that people in your life will reject or leave and it's easy for this fear to become toxic. It takes active work on our behalf - making mental leaps outside what we know about ourselves.
Frequently Asked Questions
• What is the definition of a dismissive-avoidant attachment style?
A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is when a person feels they don’t need or want intimate relationships. They value independence and may come across as emotionally distant, finding it hard to form close connections.
• What causes dismissive-avoidant attachment?
This style can develop from childhood experiences where a person had to become independent early, often due to a lack of stable affection or support from caregivers.
• What is a fearful-avoidant attachment style?
A fearful-avoidant attachment style is often described as “hot and cold.” People with this style crave intimacy but simultaneously fear rejection, leading to a push-pull dynamic in relationships.
• How does fearful-avoidant attachment affect relationships?
This attachment style can negatively impact relationship stability. People with this style may seek closeness but avoid commitment, often leading them to engage in casual relationships or "situationships."
• What are some ways to improve my relationship attachments?
You can improve your attachment patterns by exploring professional therapy, practicing mindfulness, being honest with your partner about your needs, and learning to affirm yourself to build self-worth.
At Chateau Health and Wellness Treatment Center, we understand how challenging it can be to navigate relationship patterns influenced by attachment styles. Our compassionate team is here to support you on your journey toward healing and building healthier connections. We believe in providing a safe and nurturing environment where you can explore these deep-seated issues and develop the skills needed to foster secure, fulfilling relationships. If you're ready to take the next step, we're here to help. Contact us at (435) 222-5225 to learn how we can support your path to wellness.
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About The Author
Ben Pearson, LCSW - Clinical Director
With 19 years of experience, Ben Pearson specializes in adolescent and family therapy, de-escalation, and high-risk interventions. As a former Clinical Director of an intensive outpatient program, he played a key role in clinical interventions and group therapy. With 15+ years in wilderness treatment and over a decade as a clinician, Ben has helped countless individuals and families navigate mental health and recovery challenges.
